Letter to the Editor: I Caught Basil Cheating at Fox Hunting!

Mr. Gorbechev, tear down this wall!

Sirs,

For the good of the Hunt I must cast the cold finger of accusation at one of our fellows. Namely: Master Basil Bermondsey. Basil is a close chum and I do not wish to publicly humiliate him. And yet, I will. Continue reading

Classifieds: Fox Mimic Required (Urgent)

The most dangerous game is hunting men dressed as foxes.

HELP WANTED: The Forest Park Fox Hunt requires a capable fox mimic to participate in an upcoming hunt. The summer solstice represents one of the most important hunt days of the year. In honor of the year’s longest day and the apex of St. Louis’ famed “white nights,” we will hunt with pistols and crossbows rather than foxhounds.

Because foxes are wary of projectile weapons and unlikely to emerge from their burrows if they catch word of our intentions, we require a woman (or a petite man) to dress as a fox and allow us to hunt her. Injury is unlikely, as our aim is poor and we have yet to strike any target, fox or human, during our hunts. Mimics must own their own fox costume, or be red-haired and very hairy. Especially talented fox mimics may be offered additional opportunities in anti-fox espionage.

Earl Lesley Whitechapel

Classifieds: Garden Sentry Needed

If you shake your computer, you can see this topiary moving menacingly towards you.

HELP WANTED: I require a night watchmen with keen vision and steel nerves to stand guard over my topiary garden next month at the full moon. During the last full moon, I was enjoying a blustery evening at home when I witnessed one of my topiary creations – in this case, a shrub trimmed to look like a chimneysweep – sway slightly to one side. By the time I had retrieved my elephant gun the shrub had returned to motionlessness, and remained so even after I fired several rounds through it. (And into the Whitechapel family’s private art gallery, where the bullets nicked the Whitechapels’ life-sized replica of the Parthenon. My apologies!)

I have many topiary sculptures representing a wide variety of tradesmen, and I am concerned that during next month’s full moon, these shrubs might awaken and attack my estate in a fury of botanical socialism. Consequently, I require a night watchman who can sit among these sculptures overnight, keep a close watch on them, and – if necessary – detonate the dynamite charges I have placed throughout the garden and by doing so incinerate these demon shrubs. The Night Watchman will be provided with a rake for personal protection.

Colonel Archibald Swiddlesworth

Editorial: The Greatest Insult

Vicky Vixen in her controversial role as Eliza Doolittle in the 2008 MUNY production of My Fair Lady.

Contributed by Professor Fawkes Foxington,  Human

Without any doubt, the most rewarding part of moving to St. Louis from my ancestral home in Fox City has been my deepening involvement with the Forest Park Fox Hunt. Living in this city has many benefits. But the opportunity to observe the members of this Hunt, explore your lodge, and discuss with you your theories and strategies for hunting foxes has been the most entertaining and, dare I say, amusing part of my move. Continue reading

Classifieds: Location, location, location!

Another soul-sucking St. Louis commute.

REAL ESTATE: As many members of the Hunt are aware, my estate provided much of the financing for the recent macadaming of Highway 40. In return for my generosity, the governor provided me with certain considerations, including title to some sections of the refurbished thoroughfare.

I am exercising my rights to this land and soliciting bids for the middle traffic lane of Highway 40 between the Hanley and Laclede Station Road overpasses. This lane has not been zoned, and so I assume it is available for any type of use. I am advised by the Missouri Transportation Department that this stretch of the highway plays host to tens of thousands of travelers per day, making this lane an excellent location for a haberdashery, apothecary, or any other sort of retail shop that relies on a high volume of passers-by. I would note, however, that the newness of the pavement may make tearing-up infeasible, and therefore agricultural use is not advised. Will build to suit.

Doctor Meriweather Southwark