Letter to the Editor: I Caught Basil Cheating at Fox Hunting!

Mr. Gorbechev, tear down this wall!

Sirs,

For the good of the Hunt I must cast the cold finger of accusation at one of our fellows. Namely: Master Basil Bermondsey. Basil is a close chum and I do not wish to publicly humiliate him. And yet, I will. Continue reading

Letter to the Editor: A Heartfelt Welcome

Sirs,

Do you feel a tingle up your leg when you look at this man?

It is high time that we the members of the Forest Park Fox Hunt take a moment to recognize the singular contributions and warm fellowship brought to the Hunt by our newest member: Professor Fawkes Foxington. I know there was some skepticism when Prof. Foxington first applied to join our ancient order. Continue reading

Letter to the Editor: My Temple Should Be A House of Prayer

Church in snow

A church that vaguely resembles Reverend Ratcliff's church.

Sirs,

I write as a congregant of the Most Reverend Albert Ratcliff. I have grown increasingly concerned that the Rev. Ratcliff’s ongoing feud with Colonel Swiddlesworth is intruding on the spiritual life of Rev. Ratcliff’s church.

This past Sunday, the title of Rev. Ratcliff’s sermon was “Justice is Mine,” and much of its content consisted of Rev. Ratcliff’s personal anecdotes about injuries he claims to have suffered at the hands of Col. Swiddlesworth over the last several years. The quotes from scripture chosen by Rev. Ratcliff for the sermon were unusual, and indeed I have been unable to find them in my bible. I note particularly the verse Rev. Ratcliff closed his sermon with:

“And I sayeth unto thee, that he who takes up arms against my disciple and claims with a false tongue that my disciple started it, so shall my people fall upon him. Even in my house upon the Sabbath, as he sits in the second row in his white dress uniform wearing medals he probably didn’t even earn, even then shall they fall upon him and rend him apart, now, rend him!”

The hymn that followed was even more odd. It consisted entirely of Rev. Ratcliff beating a large war drum rhythmically while he jabbed his finger at Col. Swiddlesworth. Although wholly ineffectual, this seems to have been an attempt to develop a warlike temperament among the congregation and therewith to incite a riot.

I consider Albert Ratcliff a dear friend and do not wish any offense, but I hope that he will consider restricting his contest with Swiddlesworth to its appropriate venue: the streets, schoolyards, markets, and other public areas of St. Louis.

Sincerely,
Anonymous

Letter to the Editor: Must We Abide Golf?

One of the flags used by golfers as orientation beacons.

Sirs,

I write to protest the continued practice of golfing in Forest Park. I do not wish to deprive the common classes of their diversions, but…eh, actually, I do not care if I deprive the common classes of their diversions.

My objection is that these so-called “golfers” are interfering with our hunts. I note, for example, the practice of these golfers and their “caddies,” (who appear to be some sort of bondsmen), in piloting motor-driven carts about. These carts, as my fellow huntsmen must surely have realized, produce a strong envy in our horses, and envious horses lack the force of will and conviction required for hunting foxes. Furthermore, these golfers dig holes periodically throughout the park that present a significant danger to hunters on horseback. Specifically, I have on more than one occasion been eluded by a fox who concealed himself in one of these holes.

If these golfers will not agree to vacate the park, I recommend that the Hunt finance a clandestine campaign to plant acorns on their courses. As the resultant oaks trees mature, they will break up the golfers’ fields, and they will be forced to relocate.

Your most humble servant,
Doctor Meriweather Southwark