Classifieds: Cozy, Carpeted Flat for Rent

FOR RENT: I am in need of surplus income to support my horse’s laudanum addiction. Unfortunately, my horse “Wellington” became addicted to tincture of laudanum while recovering from wounds suffered after he broke his leg and I shot him (he survived).

My miserly wife controls our finances and is unwilling to use general household funds to purchase laudanum, so I am developing a revenue stream independent of her control. Specifically, I am seeking to rent out the trunk of my motorcar as a studio flat. The trunk is spacious, as trunks go, and could comfortably fit a robust bachelor or a petite couple. For noise reasons, I am unwilling to rent to families with children or pets.

If you lived here, you’d already be home!

The trunk comes furnished with a tire iron and a steel drum of spare petrol, although the latter is not to be used by the tenant.

Please be advised that I move my motorcar frequently, and the tenant will receive no advance notice thereof. References required, serious offers only.

— Earl Lesley Whitechapel

Classifieds: One Moon Cannon For Sale, Single Owner

Stock photo

FOR SALE: one bronze moon cannon. This cannon was used by my great-great-uncle Phineas during the Civil War to bombard suspected Confederate positions on the moon. Please note that it is useful for firing projectiles at any moon, not just the moon circling the Earth.

— Colonel Archibald Swiddlesworth

Editorial: The Security of our Lodge is on Thin Ice

Contributed by Dr. Meriweather Southwark

The entrance to the Forest Park Fox Hunt’s underground lodge, unacceptably accessible via ice.

As happens every winter, the moat that surrounds the entrance to our underground lodge has become frozen. What was formerly a formidable barrier is now, at best, a slippery inconvenience, and our subterranean lodge is temporarily without its primary defense against fox incursion. Whereas under normal circumstances a fox must acquire a watercraft to reach the entrance to our lodge, the moat’s iced state allows any interested fox to simply trot across.

Editorial: We Must Arrest Our Park’s Decline

Contributed by Commodore Percy Houndsfarthing

Put on your stereoscopic glasses and see this in 3-D!

I ask Hunt members to reflect upon the images above. You are probably aware that the image on the right is the Grand Basin as viewed from the summit of Art Hill. You can be forgiven for assuming that the image on the left is of some sort of white marble paradise that exists only in the heavens.

Classifieds: Millions of Gallons of Muddy Water for Sale

Please note: Boat not included.

FOR SALE: I recently acquired the Missouri River in a game of chance, and I am seeking interested buyers.

I intended to industrialize this mighty river by building a watermill to grind candlenuts into candlenut meal. Unfortunately, I have been unable to identify producers who can supply me with candlenuts in sufficient quantity, or buyers who are interested in buying candlenut meal in any quantity at all.

Furthermore, the river is currently plagued with an infestation of barges, and I am unwilling to invest in the gunboat flotilla that would be necessary to eliminate this nuisance. Consequently, I wish to sell this property to the highest bidder.

Interested buyers should note that the Missouri River is rumored to be a potential route to the western ocean.

– Master Basil Bermondsey

Editorial: Motorcars–A Menace to Gentlemen

Contributed by Earl Lesley Whitechapel

This is what a “car” looks like.

Members of the Forest Park Fox Hunt, and indeed all gentleman of St. Louis, will have noticed of late the unwelcome proliferation of motorcars in Forest Park. With their unnatural shininess, antennae, and glazed windscreens, these “cars” have proven to be a menace to those of us habituated to enjoying the park on horseback.

Classifieds: That Borax Isn’t Going To Mine Itself

An artist's depiction of how the Arch would appear if it were three times its actual size.

FOR SALE: I, Colonel Archibald Swiddlesworth, am offering for immediate sale the mineral rights to the land beneath my “St. Louis Gateway Archibald.” (Or “the Arch” as I understood it to be known among those who have no sense of this city’s history, and my role in it.)